Whatever jokes

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Why didn't anybody hear Helen Keller scream when she fell off of the cliff?
She was wearing mittens.

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!