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the living statues
 
 
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

engineer vs. manager
 
 
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be in management."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

sleepwalking nun
 
 
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A Roamin' Catholic.

three men visit god on the mountaintop
 
 
Three men heard rumors of a mountaintop where God came down to solve people's problems. So they all went to the mountain.

The first man was deaf and God asked him, 'Can I help you, son?' The man started signing in sign language that he would be so happy if only he could hear. So God touched the man and suddenly he could hear.

God then asked the second man, who was blind, 'What can I do for you, my son?'

The second man said, 'Oh God, if I could only see I would be so happy.' So God touched him and the man was able to see.

Meanwhile, the third man was sitting in his wheelchair with his mouth wide open in amazement. God looked at the man and asked him what he wanted.

The man stepped back and yelled, 'Don't lay one finger on me, God, I am on total disability!'

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