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1. Life is sexually transmitted.
2. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
3. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
5. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
6. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
10. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
11. If you're living on the edge, make sure you wear your seat belt.
12. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
13. There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
14. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
15. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
16. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
17. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
18. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
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"There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!"
"Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!"
"Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"
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Because there were too many cheetahs.
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