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drunk musicians
 
 
The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's Ninth one night. One bass player said to the other: 'We don't have much to do. Let's go next door for a few drinks.' They stayed for a while and got a little tipsy. One said to the other: 'To give us more time, I tied the pages of the music together so the conductor will have to untie it when he gets near the end.'

They staggered back into the auditorium just in time for the finish. The next day when someone asked their friend how the concert was they replied: 'The most exciting part was at the end of the Ninth when the score was tied and the bassists were loaded.'

viagra + eyedrops = ?
 
 
Why'd the man take Viagra eyedrops?

Because he wanted to look hard!

blonde loses sweet job
 
 
Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?

She threw away all the "W&W's"

if i had a hammer
 
 
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'

Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'You bastard.'

The judge continues, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.'

Again the voice at the back of the court says, 'You bastard.'

The judge says, 'Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?'

The man at the back of the court says, 'Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'

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