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funny answering machine messages
 
 
1) The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade and the secret password.

2) Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.

3) Hi, this is [YOUR NAME]'s refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that [YOUR NAME] receives it promptly.

4) This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.

5) Hi. Now you say something.

6) This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again.

7) [YOUR NAME]'s palace of pleasure. If you are a man/woman, leave your phone number and a brief description of yourself. If you are a man/woman hang up the phone and don't call back. I'm not gay.

the misprinted money melee
 
 
This crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try getting the $8 bill changed so he went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change. The teller looked at the $8 bill, hesitated, and then gave the crook two $4 bills as change.
rug
 
 
What did the rug say to the floor?

I've got you covered?
don't eat the brown ones
 
 
A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.

When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.

"What did you do that for?" he asked her.

"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.


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