Whatever jokes

"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."

The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didn't understand.

"Here's how it works," said the farmer. "Everytime you fart, it's a touchdown." The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted...and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.

"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman.

"Halftime. Switch sides."

Because their husbands have hollow weenies.

A dead epileptic.

2) Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.

3) Hi, this is [YOUR NAME]'s refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that [YOUR NAME] receives it promptly.

4) This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.

5) Hi. Now you say something.

6) This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again.

7) [YOUR NAME]'s palace of pleasure. If you are a man/woman, leave your phone number and a brief description of yourself. If you are a man/woman hang up the phone and don't call back. I'm not gay.