Whatever jokes

One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels down at the altar and begins to pray to God, stating that he owes many people money and asks to win the lottery. After he is done praying, he gets up and walks out.

The next Sunday he goes to the same church and pleads with God through his prayers to let him win the lottery so that he can pay these people back.

The next Sunday comes around and Shane enters the church very upset and close to tears, he kneels at the alter and asks why God is doing this to him and say's that he has asked to win the lottery for three weeks now and nothing. Suddenly there came a loud bang of thunder and God spoke, "Shane, meet me halfway: Buy a damn ticket!"

A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the pilot's voice: “Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the plane, you'll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side, you'll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, you'll see me and my co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording.”

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled loud and clearly.
“What's all this? I just ate!” But the noise would not dissipate.
I turned to my left In search of a bite,
One pack of ketchup, some sugar. Not quite.
To my right I then gazed, looking for food,
Not a morsel in sight, Not even something half-chewed.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear?
But two silver quarters, “I'm saved,” I cheered!
I snatched up the change, And dashed down the hall. Soon I would be vending and snacking like all!
As I neared the break-room, I thought of the treats,
Popcorn! Twinkies! Cheese on Wheat!
At last I arrived, and put in my change,
Not knowing at all what the Gods had arranged.
Ho-Ho's! Yes! I had found my snack!
Sitting angelically in that thin spiral rack.
I pressed B, then 14. Then waited with glee
But wait! God no! It simply can't be!
The spiral had whirred, and finally stopped spinning,
But my beautiful Ho-Ho's Were stuck in the rimming!
I pounded once, then twice, and shouted something obscene.
The people, they watched, as I stood there and screamed.
I shook the machine With fury and rage!
Still, the snack would not fall From it's monstrous cage!
I sobbed uncontrollably, still hungry as ever,
I felt like a fool, On a pointless endeavor.
Wretched contraption, ' “How could you?!,” I asked.
So I scratched out a note, and wrote it out fast.
“Dear Snack Man, I BEG YOU, Get rid of this Evil!
It takes all my money, And leaves me quite feeble.
As If I don't have enough stress in my life,
This cursed machine causes nothing but strife!
So take back your Ding-Dongs, your Barbecue Chips,
Your Honey Buns, Packs of Gum and Nachos with Dip.
Look close at this beast and the Evil you cause.
My Ho-Ho, you'll see, is stuck in it's claws!
So Snack Man, I plead I want my change back!
50 cents in small coins And begone with your snacks!
To my desk I returned, feeling empty and sad, But you know, ketchup and sugar really isn't that bad.

3 men die and go to heaven. One's a marine, one's a Navy seal, and the last is an army ranger. At the pearly gates, Saint Peter is unsure if he was going to let them in due to their philandering and boorish ways.

He decides to let them in, but gives a strict warning not to have impure thoughts or they will lose their wings and burn in hell. All 3 men walk in, and as a test Saint Peter sends a beautiful blonde angel walking in front of all 3 men.

As the blonde angel bends over and grabs her ankles, the navy seal and the marine lose their wings. As they bent over to pick up their wings, the ranger lost his.