Whatever jokes

A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the pilot's voice: “Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the plane, you'll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side, you'll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, you'll see me and my co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording.”

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled loud and clearly.
“What's all this? I just ate!” But the noise would not dissipate.
I turned to my left In search of a bite,
One pack of ketchup, some sugar. Not quite.
To my right I then gazed, looking for food,
Not a morsel in sight, Not even something half-chewed.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear?
But two silver quarters, “I'm saved,” I cheered!
I snatched up the change, And dashed down the hall. Soon I would be vending and snacking like all!
As I neared the break-room, I thought of the treats,
Popcorn! Twinkies! Cheese on Wheat!
At last I arrived, and put in my change,
Not knowing at all what the Gods had arranged.
Ho-Ho's! Yes! I had found my snack!
Sitting angelically in that thin spiral rack.
I pressed B, then 14. Then waited with glee
But wait! God no! It simply can't be!
The spiral had whirred, and finally stopped spinning,
But my beautiful Ho-Ho's Were stuck in the rimming!
I pounded once, then twice, and shouted something obscene.
The people, they watched, as I stood there and screamed.
I shook the machine With fury and rage!
Still, the snack would not fall From it's monstrous cage!
I sobbed uncontrollably, still hungry as ever,
I felt like a fool, On a pointless endeavor.
Wretched contraption, ' “How could you?!,” I asked.
So I scratched out a note, and wrote it out fast.
“Dear Snack Man, I BEG YOU, Get rid of this Evil!
It takes all my money, And leaves me quite feeble.
As If I don't have enough stress in my life,
This cursed machine causes nothing but strife!
So take back your Ding-Dongs, your Barbecue Chips,
Your Honey Buns, Packs of Gum and Nachos with Dip.
Look close at this beast and the Evil you cause.
My Ho-Ho, you'll see, is stuck in it's claws!
So Snack Man, I plead I want my change back!
50 cents in small coins And begone with your snacks!
To my desk I returned, feeling empty and sad, But you know, ketchup and sugar really isn't that bad.

What's long, hard, and full of seamen?

A submarine!

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.

"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"

"I'd have to say the living one."