Whatever jokes

Two atoms are walking down the road and one exclaims, "Oh my God, I just lost an electron!"

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

To which the first replies, "I'm positive!"

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"

How many stoners does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, the only way a stoner would get off his lazy a$$ and change a light bulb is if he thought he hid his stash in the socket.

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap a freeloo? Only as many as will fit in its Raptonian estadok! 2. I once went on a ritual breeding excursion with Tragshod the sixty-headed female from the Krogter system. Let's just say she still did not possess the correct number of heads needed to properly satisfy my frellclot! 3. Anyone here from the Urgassk galaxy? Then I will communicate at a pace slower than normal! 4. What's the deal with that Earthly program known as The Brady Bunch? I haven't seen such excessive breeding since my quest to Tonokk III during the Rithwoshian phase of its many moons! 5. What if Earthling Jack Nickelson and High Chancellor Thrawng of Gortuse had a child? I believe the offspring would resemble the mimicry which I shall now attempt. "You cannot handle the truth, and by the power of the Gortusian army, I challenge you to handle it before our fifth moon returns, or forever become a slave in the flertonian mines of Ambrod VI!" 6. I once witnessed the two beings from which I sprang engage in the sexual reproduction ritual of Krogter. I will never be at peace again while visiting the Krogter galaxy! Am I correct in that assumption, sentient beings? 7. What is the source of these dissimilarities between the male and female of the species? It seems that the female is one of audible annoyance to the male and the male is content only with viewing matches of competitive sport in a languorous state, which seems to be the source of some frustration to the female. That is factual information, is it not? 8. On the topic of beings in power, what is the ultimate motivation of Grand Emperor Ishrock? It seems he has no regard for the welfare of the common Ragtorian, but his voluminous lust for Ragtorian ale is matched by no creature! 9. The various races of the Earth are peculiar and differentiated in their skill levels, correct? The paler skinned mammals seem novice in regards to the topic of ‘basket and ball' activities, while the darker skinned of the same species seem most dominate such activities as well as feature a greater sexual organ than their paler mammalian counterparts! 10. Sentient beings are not consuming wisely these solar cycles, am I correct, air breathers? I once viewed a Kreblorian so encumbered by his own mass that officials were required to extricate him from the living quarters utilizing a lubricous gelatin, which he later consumed during the mastication process. 11. I recently voyaged to a region of Earth known as Florida. Is it simply Zoltrog, or is that region of the planet far more biologically aged than the surrounding hospitable environments? 12. My relationship ritual was imbalanced last solar cycle. Though I funded the consumption of our much needed nourishment, the female did not reward my contribution with mating. 13. What is this about the males and females of your species engaging in the partnering tradition with others of similar genitalia? Heed the warning of one heterosexual creature who has engaged in the partnering tradition, homosexuals of Earth. Do not burden yourselves, am I right fellow heterosexually mated creatures?