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80-pounder
 
 
Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!
divorced and drunk
 
 
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

actual police quotes
 
 
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

muffin diver
 
 
There were two muffins sitting in an oven. The first muffin looked at the second muffin and said, 'Man, it's getting hot in here!' Then the second muffinlooked at the first muffin.

'Oh, my God! A talking muffin!'

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