Whatever jokes

Yo' daddy's so ugly, when he looked out the window he was arrested for mooning!

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.)
*Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to "spice up" your takeout.

*Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.

*When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say "I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop."

*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.

*Ask if his bulletproof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.

*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy ride.

*When he asks you for your license say, "Oh sure officer, I could reach it if you'd hold my beer."

*Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal."

*Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

*Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.

*Ask him if his badge is made of chocolate.

*Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.

*Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that "with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents."

*Pay all ticket fines with pennies.

*Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it.

*When you spot some cops with a radar gun pull over, show them a hair dryer and yell, "I've got one too!"

*Say to him, "Don't cheek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scout's honor."

*When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were going to Dunkin' Donuts and you know he'll understand.

*When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down while looking amazed that it does that.

*Ask him what he is doing out so late.

*Ask him if you can play cops and robbers.

*Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.

*Throw the cop's nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch.

*Tell him that the wee little leprechauns made you do it.

*Ask him if he can make strobes with his police lights.

*When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to open it, then unlocking it when he looks away. Repeat this several times.

*Paint flames on the side of his squad car.

*Paint flames on the side of his uniform.

*When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter "If I don't see you I can't get a ticket."

*Throw cans of Spam at him.

*When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your hands on his hood.

*Say to him "Darn, officer you must of been going fast to keep up with me!!"

*Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was off causing Philbin's law to take effect...

* When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly.

* When he ask you to walk the straight line, "Riverdance" instead.

* When he asks you to say your alphabet backwards count backwards from ten instead.

*When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges.

*Keep his pen.

*If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept.

*Say "Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands don't hurt yet."

*Instead of pleading the fifth amendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.

Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head with a nightstick.

Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty.

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. 'I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. 'Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.' Replied one of the others, 'I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!'

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, 'This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. 'Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!' 'So YOU'RE the guy!' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, 'HONEY!?!...HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'