Whatever jokes

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

3. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

5. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

6. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and foolish.

8. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

9. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

17. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

20. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

22. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

23. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 - Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.

December 7 - Debug Windows 2000

December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 - Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of Jesus.

December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.