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ending it all
 
 
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

breakfast in moleland
 
 
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

top 10 benefits of being a woman
 
 
  1. Women got off the Titanic first.
  2. Women can scare bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
  3. Women can be groupies. Men groupies are called "stalkers."
  4. Women can cry and get off speeding tickets.
  5. Taxis stop for women.
  6. Free dinners, free drinks, free movies. Do the math.
  7. A new lipstick can give a woman a whole new lease on life.
  8. No one has to know if a woman forgets to shave.
  9. Women can congratulate their teammates without ever touching their rear.
  10. Women never regret piercing their ears.
the waiter and the fart
 
 
A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop that!"
To which the waiter replies, "Sure, which way did it go?"

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