Whatever jokes

So he hugs the girl, which seems to cheer her up and he continues on his way.

The next day he sees the girl again, still sitting on the boardwalk and crying, so he asks her what's wrong and she replies, "I've never been kissed."

So, he kisses the girl dutifully and goes on his way.

The following day, he passes her again, and once again, she's crying and he asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I've never been screwed."

So, the man wheels her down the boardwalk, pushes her off the pier and says, "Now, you're screweed!"

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your potted plants stay alive.

Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

You have to pay your own credit card bill.

You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

8:00 a.m. is not early.

You have to file your own taxes.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You're not carded anymore.

You carry an umbrella.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

You start watching the Weather Channel.

Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.

You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

You go to parties that the police don't raid.

Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

Your car insurance goes down, except when you move to Jersey.

You refer to college students as kids.

You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum. Well, some of us still drink rum.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

You're waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.

College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie — the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down like I used to."

Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

You decide your parents weren't as dumb as you thought!

The guy comes back the next day, St. Peter asks the first question and the guy says, "Twelve." "Twelve?" says St. Peter, "how did you get that?" The man replied, "January 2nd, February 2nd and so on." Peter thinks it over and says, "Well that is not exactly what I meant, but it's technically corect, so I will give you credit."

Then St. Peter asks the second question and the guy answers, "Two." St. Peter asks how he got that answer and the man explains, "Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter again admit that wasn't what he had in mind, but he'll accept that.

Peter then asked the third question -- God's first name. The man says, "Howard. " St. Peter, really perplexed, inquires how the guy got that and the man says, "You know -- it's in the prayer: ‘Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...’"

"How did you get that feather?" the woman asked.

"I screw one squaw," the Indian said.

Then, another Indian came up to her. He had two feathers in his hair. "How did you get those feathers?" she asked.

"I screw two squaw," he said.

Then, an Indian with a headdress of feathers came up to her.

"My! How did you get all those feathers?" she asked.

"I screw two squaw, four squirrel, five rabbit, eight bear." he answered.

"Oh dear!" said the woman.

The Indian replied, "No deer, deer jump too high, balls get stuck in bush."