Whatever jokes

A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"

One day, a man named Tony died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos, Tony asked him what was going on. Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more than you did." They both shook their heads and figured that, as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos and their two beastly women were walking along one day, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn they saw their friend John up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel-centerfold woman. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact, it was their friend John. They asked him how is it that he is with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these digustingly awful women.

John replied, "I have no idea and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been positively the best time of my life (and I'm dead!) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing I can't seem to understand. Every time after we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself "Damn income taxes!"

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.