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elementary, my dear watson
 
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

actual instruction labels...
 
 
  • ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
    Warning keep out of children.
  • ON A HAIR DRYER:
    Do not use while sleeping.
  • ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
    You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
  • ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
    Directions: Use like regular soap.
  • ON A FROZEN DINNER:
    Serving suggestion: Defrost.
  • ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
    Fits one head.
  • ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
    Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
  • ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
    Product will be hot after heating.
  • ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
    Do not iron clothes on body.
  • ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
    Do not drive car or operate machinery.
  • ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
    Warning: may cause drowsiness.
  • ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
    For indoor or outdoor use only.
  • ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
    Not to be used for the other use.
  • ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
    Warning: contains nuts.
  • ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
    Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
  • ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
    Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
three nuns
 
 
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

computer vs. air conditioner
 
 
How is a computer like an air conditioner?

When you open Windows it won't work!


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