Whatever jokes

Outraged that they were making fun of his pegleg, he fired off a complaint letter. In order to please him, the costume company sent him a monk's costume saying that it would be perfect for his bald head.

Now outraged that they were making fun of his bald head, the man sent another angry letter. Soon after, another package arrived in the mail -- a package of caramel. Attached was a note:

"Stick the pegleg up your ass, dip your head in caramel, and go as a caramel apple."

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"

The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They set in provisions on their ship, said their goodbyes and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

A whole year passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to sea, when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week, they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."