Whatever jokes

Contestants are given pink car to drive from Dothan, to Birmingham, on to Decatur, and back to Dothan. On each car is a bumper sticker that says, "I'm gay, I'm a yankee, and I'm here to steal your guns!" First one back wins.

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment...

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

1. Ask for a seat for your imaginary friend Bobo.
2. Growl constantly and address everyone as 'Matey'.
3. Ask for the Soup-du-Jour… at a fast food joint.
4. Then ask about the freshness of the meat.
5. Get out a stopwatch and see how fast you can get the manager over to you.
6. Stare at a neighbor's food until they say something and then reply, "Oh don't mind me, I'm just looking for the piece of food that flew out of my mouth."
7. Ask the waiter for a fresh fork, then a fresh spoon, then a fresh tablecloth.
8. Burp the National Anthem, call anyone who objects unpatriotic.
9. Yell, "Oh no not now!" and make a mad dash to the bathroom.
10. Make obvious attempts to trip the waiters, snicker constantly.