Whatever jokes

'Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in football, and I had sex with the teacher.'

'What! How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father gets home!' Little DJ goes to his room, and when his father comes home, DJ's mom tells his father, 'I'm absolutely disgusted with DJ. He said he came top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and had sex with the teacher!'

'That's my boy' thinks his Dad. So he goes upstairs to talk to DJ. 'Don't worry about your Mom. She's a bit upset, but it sounds to me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I'm so pleased, you know that bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I'll get it for you this weekend.'

'Oh no, Dad, don't. I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a while.'

2. This only works if the person has their back to you. Select a single strand of hair from the person's head and pull gently. When they reach up to touch their hair or try to turn around, look at the ceiling or pretend to read the menu. Repeat constantly.

3. Tap your fingernails on the table top, ignoring any evil stares that come your way. (This works anywhere, not just restaurants.)

4. Hug yourself and rock backwards and forwards in your seat whilst muttering incoherantly. This will not only completely embarrass those at your table, it is also extremely annoying.

5. Help yourself to other people's meals. If they complain, pretend to stick your fingers down your throat and ask them if they'd like their food back.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."