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ponderous notions
 
 
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

two spoons
 
 
At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."

The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"

The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."

the magician and the parrot
 
 
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, 'It's in his sleeve!'

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, 'It's in his pocket!'

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, 'I give up, what'd you do with the ship?'

rejected hallmark cards
 
 
1) So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
She's a really good lay!

2) My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I loooked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3) You had your bladder removed,
and you're on the mends.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends.

4) You've announced that you're gay,
Won't that be a laugh,
When they find out you're one
Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!

5) Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy!

6) Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be,
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me!

7) You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been
that case of Bud Dry?

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