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bouncing baby brute
 
 
You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor had to put you in a bucket of water to see which end of you would breathe.
two knives
 
 
Why did the two knives go to the dance together?

Because they both looked sharp!
penis requests a raise
 
 
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

fast as you can
 
 
A young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Mo-ped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Mo-ped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but I'll stick with my Mo-ped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be. Suddenly something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Mo-ped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Mo-ped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly, the Mo-ped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and to see, unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook...my...suspenders...from...your...side-view...mirror".


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